I decided to forgo the letter to Santa this year, since he isn't the one who can really provide me with what I need, and isn't the one I should be talking to right now (though he was originally a saint).
God, You and I have gotten pretty close lately. I've been through some pretty rough times recently. I think You may have even instigated some of them, though I don't know why. Maybe to protect me from things that may have hurt me worse. I must admit, the saying "trial by fire" does have some significance here. I can definitely proudly claim a new spiffy and strong backbone. But I must also admit that I have been angry with You for some of these times. There were situations that I wish I had never even set foot near. I don't know why You let me barge straight into them. This free-will thing has been a real bitch lately. But I am also starting to see, in retrospect, that Your hand was there all along, yanking me back from a precipice or two, and shutting doors that I, in my bullheadedness, was running headlong into trying to get through.
God, I hate some of the things I have been through. I have hated myself many times this past year and a half, and have wished many times that I could go back and change things. But I can't. It is only in this way that I have been able to see...that You never left me alone, even when I was in the darkest of places and thought You had abandoned me, even when I had messed up horribly that I thought I was beyond forgiveness. You shut some doors and opened others, and You brought people into my life that I needed in order to know You better. You brought them to me and guided them to help me when I couldn't do anything to help myself. And I am only now learning, that even though I messed up so badly, even though I hurt myself with my willfulness and caused others who I love and care about to be badly hurt in the process, there is no condemnation, there is no guilt, there is no judgement. You love me despite my faults, despite my foul ups, and You forgave me even before I messed up.
God, this year I do not ask anything for myself. You have taken such good care of me, and I have all that I need. And I know that You will continue to protect and provide for me. God, there are others who need You, people I have come to know so well, and who I have come to love with all my heart and would do anything for. God, my friends are hurting. Some of them have found themselves in that dark place I was just in. They are looking around and wondering what is to become of them. They are crying out to You for answers but are not able to hear what You are trying to say. Their pain is trying to drown out Your voice. And a few of them are wondering if You are still there. God, I do not know what I can do to help them. Please, if You think I can be of any help, use me to speak to them for You. Use me to show them that they are not alone, that they are loved and cared for, and that all they need can be found in You. I love them so much, God. Please let my love for them mirror Yours, so that they can feel Your love for them too.
God, I ask for blessings to start to rain down on them, so many that they won't know what to do with them all. Please give them healing, not only in their bodies but in their minds and spirits, for those are deeply wounded as well. I ask for financial hardships to be lifted. I ask that depression and anxiety be banished from their hearts, and replaced with Your absolute peace. I ask that You fill them with love and joy. And I ask that You bless them with understanding and wisdom, with correct discernment and revelation, so that they can hear You and see Your hand working in their lives and know what it all means. Please give them all that they need to be able to draw close to You again, and strength to leave behind the chains that have wrapped themselves around their shoulders to keep them from You.
God, let this Christmas be one of miracles for all those who are in pain and struggling. Banish their burdens and lift the weights off their shoulders. I take them and lift them all up to You. I place them into Your loving arms. It is hard for me to do this. I love them so much and it is hard to entrust them over to You when I want to help them so badly myself. I worry and fret over them. I think about them constantly and have wept so many tears for them. But I must remember that no one can help them better than You. I must have faith that You will take care of them, just as You took care of me, and that You will guide them to where they ought to be and who they ought to be with. I entrust them to You, God. Please, please take good care of them. And let me see smiles on their faces the next time I see them, smiles that were placed there by You.
Your loving and faithful daugher.
Listening to: Joseph Prince
Reading: Homer's Odyssey
Watching: The Walking Dead
Eating: a chimichanga
Drinking: cranberry juice